it's that time of the year!

Usually one of my favorite times of year... however up until this morning I just really wasn't feeling it! Over the past two weeks I have tried to talk myself into being excited about Christmas, but even after the Christmas parade, putting up and decorating the tree, and work parties I just couldn't seem to drag myself out of this bah hum bug mood. I'm pretty sure my lack of enthusiasm for shopping and the fact that the temps have been more like summer than mid-December haven't helped to brighten my spirits! I have been telling myself that this year more than any other should be the BEST Christmas... I am a cancer survivor! Not sure if it is the cold weather or the fact that today is the start of our Christmas break at work or maybe that Santa is going to be visiting Frisco tonight, but when I woke up this morning I felt EXCITED!! Feels good to be me again!

Now that I'm excited about Christmas I just have to finish getting ready for it! Still have shopping to do, I have two doctors appointments, and then of course baking and wrapping! Hoping to finish up my shopping while in Chapel Hill for my appointments. One is just a check-up with my radiation oncologist, the other will be my first appointment with the plastic surgeon. Trying not to stress over the last one... too much information and too many decisions to make. None of which are easy! Some decisions I thought I had already made. The problem would be that when I made them I was in a completely different place. A scary one that included a long list of treatments and surgeries. Probably not the best time to make long term plans. So I am taking a step back, gathering information, and then I am going to let it sit and simmer while I enjoy a Merry Christmas with my family and friends. The important decisions for now can wait!

weekend fun

A perfect weekend! Horseback riding, office Christmas party, cookie baking, and Christmas parade!

So I can cross another one off the bucket list... Horseback riding! Something I have always wanted to do... NO, I had not EVER been on a horse before! The experience was amazing ~ beautiful day, wonderful group of ladies, and no worries!

Follow up a perfectly peaceful, beautiful horseback ride on the beach with our office Christmas party and you have a great ending to the first perfect day of the weekend! 

Saturday the girls and I baked cookies! Lots of cookies! Always a tradition this time of year in our house. I love being in the kitchen with my favorite girls! Decorating sugar cookies is our favorite! And it's not fun unless there is more frosting and sprinkles on the floor than on the cookies!

Sunday (aka marathon day) ~ the dentist office entered a float in the parade. Kind of a last minute decision, but totally worth it! We all had lots of fun! I am positive that all the hard work (last minute as it was) was all completely worth it!




my office family

 Me, I'm doing pretty well! Still have moments when reality seems a little overwhelming, but mostly I am trying to take things in stride. Christmas kind of snuck up on me and I wasn't really feeling much in the spirit, but I have to say that all the fun of the weekend has totally turned that around! Now if we could just get more than just lights on our tree!! We will be working on that this week :)

getting back to normal...

Ending my first week back home! It feels good to know that things are going in the direction of normal. Some adjustments are easier made than others. The first two mornings we almost missed the bus. That wouldn't have been the end of the world, but it did show me that my morning time schedule needed to be re-arranged! All those mornings in Chapel Hill when preschool didn't start until 9:15 spoiled Kimber and I. It seems that it may take some patience to help Kimber get back into the swings of things. She has to get up earlier, and she misses her friends and teachers. I think she has done amazing considering what she has been put through in the last two months, but a few mornings this week she has "gotten up on the wrong side of the bed"!! Work was great ~ pretty much seemed like I had not been gone at all.

Wish I could say that I would be able to spend my first weekend at home getting the house in order and Christmas decorations up, but the girls and I are going to Smithfield, NC for a family reunion. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm really excited to go and see everyone, but I am NOT looking forward to riding in a car AGAIN! Oh, well! I'm sure it will be worth it! Besides, there are all those outlet shops!

Music has always been one of my favorite things. There are songs that can portray just about any emotion one may be experiencing. Sometimes we can hear a song many times but not really hear the words. Maybe we just don't think about the words until we are going through a time in our lives when those particular words have meaning. During this battle there have been a few songs that have really been inspirational to me. Most of them popular enough that most people have probably heard them. Martina McBride ~ I'm gonna love you through it, Craig Morgan ~ Tough, and Rascal Flatts ~ SaraBeth (aka Skin) and I won't let you go. Recently I received a CD that included a song that I had not heard before. I have to say out of all the songs that I've heard this one touched me the most. The following link does not have the best sound but it's the only one I could find. My computer skills are limited!!

"She holds on tight to those in her life because that's what keeps her strong"

Colton James ~ What keeps her strong

The love and support of family and friends and my faith in God are the only things that have gotten me through the last eight months and what will continue to keep me going! I have the best support system any girl could ask for!

coming home

Well, technically I could already be home. And I'm hoping that everyone has been too busy with their Thanksgiving celebrations to realize how long it has been since my last post! Lack of internet and having a crazy week and a half would be my excuses except as supportive as everyone has been through this journey I feel that NO excuse is too good to go so long without giving an update. So for that I'm sorry!!

Tuesday was the last of my 32 radiation treatments. It still hasn't hit me that I'm actually done. Not only done with radiation treatment but DONE with all treatment! I still have surgery to go, but as far as this cancer thing is concerned I have no more treatments of any kind. Considering my arm pit and scar area look like a piece of meat that has been left on the grill for way too long, I am counting my blessings that it is over. On the scale of best or worse case scenario I would say I am probably in the middle. Some of the stories from other women certainly enlightened me to the fact that it could have been worse. Then there is the one unspoken truth that lingers around the waiting room every day ~ at least we are here to endure treatment. There are still too many women and men who die from this monster called breast cancer.

Tuesday was also Kimber's last day at her "new school". I knew that from the first meeting I had with the schools director that this was the place she was meant to be while we were in Chapel Hill. What I didn't know was the extent of the impact she had on them and they had on her. I don't think she completely understands that her time with them has come to an end, but they have left a mark on our hearts that will always be there. Having lived in one place my entire life (and not just any place ~ paradise), I wasn't sure what to expect from the city, or the people. What we found was strangers that quickly became what is now known as our "Chapel Hill family".

Thanksgiving morning was spent in the kitchen with my little helpers. Each making their own pumpkin pie (hope nobody noticed the egg shells?!?!). Ha Ha! Just kidding! They are both quite the little chefs. Turkey and fixings were served for lunch (or as my husband still tries to convince us ~ dinner), and the afternoon was spent being lazy, napping and watching TV. Leftovers heated up for supper, and then relaxing and watching some football. A perfect day! A peaceful day!

So we are going home, probably tomorrow, and come Monday it will be back to our "normal" routine. Not that normal will probably be even close to what normal used to be, but we are going to try. It is almost a little scary to think that after going from one awful kind of treatment to another, that now there is nothing. Nothing I can do to stay healthy and keep it from coming back. At least the last eight months I felt as though I was doing what needed to be done to get better, but now it seems even more out of my control. In some ways this may be harder for me than what I have endured on my journey to health. That constant nagging in the back of your mind that reminds you that at anytime your world could be turned upside down... AGAIN! I guess you could say this is where my faith will really be tested. I believe God brought me through this, and I believe He brought me through it for a reason. So no matter what my future holds I have to put my trust and faith in HIM! We were never promised that life would be easy, but the way we handle the mountains and valleys is completely up to us. I choose to live life! Live it happy and full, and deal with whatever comes the best I can.

Hope everyone had a wonderful family filled Thanksgiving! Sorry again for the delayed post! Happy weekend, and back to the grind on Monday!

down to single digits

Amazingly Friday's treatment went very well! If I were a superstitious person I would certainly bet that it had everything to do with the fact that I took the techs and the doctor cupcakes... and it might be worth bringing them again to see if it works! Status check with my doctor was right on with what my calculations have been. He wanted me to complete seven more treatments. I would have only had six, but because we have had so much trouble with the machine he wanted to add one extra at the end. He was afraid I may not let him have his cupcake after he told me, but as long as I will be done before Thanksgiving, all is well!! He has assured me that will not be a problem!

After today's treatment only six more to go! Doesn't seem like six weeks ago that I was stressed about how I was going to manage 30 (make that 31) radiation treatments five hours from home. Wish I could say today's treatment went as well as Friday, but it didn't. Oh well!! This journey has taught me patience in a way that nothing else possibly could have.

Looking forward to celebrating Thanksgiving next week! A little sad that I won't be at home with all my family, but so glad that I will be with my husband and my girls! I'm sure the timing of my treatments being finished is not a coincidence. What better time to celebrate the end of another battle in this journey than the Thanksgiving holiday?? There is no doubt that this Thanksgiving will have a meaning that no other has had before!

week 5

Week five in Chapel Hill...

Started off at home a little longer than we usually get. Hospital needed to change my appointment to Monday afternoon (hoping that calibrating the machine before my appt. would make it go "normal"). I was able to get Karlene off to school, something that I haven't been able to do in over a month :)  Also got to stop in to visit my work family!!

Monday's appointment went pretty smooth, so we thought that whatever had been causing things to not go as planned had possibly been fixed.  BUT this is Angie we are talking about... so Tuesday's appointment was still quicker than the last few weeks but things got a little bumpy and I was questioning the rest of the week by the time I left. Not to get too technical but Tuesday was a bolus day, which means they have to place the thick sticky stuff on my skin. For some reason this seems to cause the machine even more problems than the days that we don't have to put the bolus on. Wednesday my actual treatment was pretty close to the way it was the day before (little bumpy but still with-in normal limits), but my check-in didn't get reported to the techs at my machine so I waited in the waiting area for over an hour before they realized that I was there!! I think I surprised them, as I was still smiling when they brought me back... even after waiting that long. Now Thursday, that's another story! I get on the machine and everything is going great (this is a bolus day), the techs go out to start treatment and the machine breaks!! No I'm not kidding! So they have to take the bolus off, and I get back in my gown and go back to the waiting area while they try to fix the problem. A little bit later they come back and got me and lined me up, and got the bolus back on and then I don't line up correctly. Which is back to the problem we previously had. Over an hour later I am finally finished. But I'm still smiling!!

So we are on our way today for treatment, and I'm wondering how it's going to go???? Also have a status check with the doctor today. Maybe we can figure out exactly why things aren't going as they should... even though I still say it's probably just because it's me!! :)

seven months...

Tomorrow marks seven months since the phone call that would forever change my life and the life of my family. So many emotions are running through me as I write this entry. I never thought of myself as being a weak person but sitting here typing I look back and wonder exactly what I was before cancer. You see, I'm not really the kind of person to "toot" my own horn, but I realize as I reminisce over the past seven months that I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Don't get me wrong ~ it has not all been smooth sailing. In the last seven months I have had four surgeries, four months of chemo, almost four weeks of radiation (and still over two weeks to go), several other procedures, and countless tests, scans, and labs. Even half of which would be enough to test a person's sanity. Not that I'm claiming to be sane, that is still questionable I'm sure. During this "bump in the road" there have been times that I have cried, questioned, gotten mad and angry, let it all out and kept it all in. But there have also been times that I have smiled, laughed, and been blessed beyond belief. I have not walked this rocky, mountainous road alone, and all the wonderful blessing that have come out of it are because of my family, friends, an awesome community, and my faith in God.

What a better time to reflect on the blessing than the month of November when we have Thanksgiving?? Of course there are too many blessing to actually name them all, but I think there are a few that are worth stating. My family ~ my husband, my daughters, my parents, grandparents (on earth and in heaven), my sister and her family, aunts and uncles and cousins (way too many to name!!), my co-workers (who are really an extension of family), and friends. I am also thankful and blessed for the community that has rallied around me and my family in so many ways. All the prayers, thoughts, good wishes, cards, and financial support is appreciated more than I could ever express. Thank you!! I am lastly thankful for the team of doctors, nurses, techs, and other important people in the medical field that have been in charge of my care. I have no doubt that God put each and every one of them in the exact place, at the exact time that their lives collided with mine.

Writing this blog has been such a great experience for me. Kind of like writing all the details down make them more real. I try to write in the most honest way possible. What I am feeling and when I am feeling it. Since radiation has started I have fallen into a bit of a routine so it doesn't seem there is as much to relay, but it helps to clear my mind when I recount even the most mundane of my weeks details. In the future I will be able to look back and realize that I actually lived all of this stuff that I write each week. It all seems like a dream that you are trying to wake up from. Maybe a defense mechanism ~ but it seems as if my mind shuts itself off from the rest of my body. That the physical changes that have occurred don't get processed through my brain. I can see them with my eyes but my mind doesn't accept or acknowledge that the changes are really happening. That may be the only way you are able to live with them (and thankfully most of the physical changes are only temporary!).

So how has week four of chapel hill been? We went trick or treating Monday night with a family friend and her children. An especially nice treat considering I used to babysit for her when she lived in Hatteras. Radiation has been a little challenging. The computer still doesn't want to cooperate, which means that treatments are having to be done the old fashioned way. It takes about an hour instead of 10 - 15 minutes. Not that I really care because my day consists only of taking Kimber to school, going to treatment and then picking her up again. I think the techs are more frustrated then I am. My skin is starting to show the signs that it is being hammered with high doses of radiation on a daily basis. Thank goodness that is temporary and will heal once I am all done. Kimber is still enjoying school and really liking her new friends and teachers.

The girls had a really nice time at the pageant this past weekend. What a special honor to be recognized for being an inspiration to others! I hope that my girls are as proud of me as I am of them. They, along with all the other girls rocked the stage! So off we go to continue to Keep the Ballance...

angie's law

Angie's law states that if you need for things to go smooth, you will hit every possible bump!

Week three of radiation went very well... until today! My doctor and team were all on the same page to get my treatment and status check done as quickly as possible so that Kimber and I could get on the road because Kimber and Karlene had photo shoots scheduled for 5:00. I got to my appointment a few minutes early and they went ahead and called me back. I'm on the table and the machine breaks! So I end up lying on the table for over an hour while the techs attempt to fix it. For those of you who have never had radiation treatments - you are to lie completely still and your arms are above your head. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get back up after staying in that position for that long. Yes I did get my treatment!! It just took a lot longer than we expected. The doctor did come right in for my check so that I could get on my way!

So a busy pageant weekend! Girls are so excited to get to wear pretty clothes/dresses and have their pictures taken! So proud of my two beautiful daughters for being brave and getting on the stage in front of an audience. I think it is such a wonderful experience and a great way to cope with stage freight. Good luck to all the pretty girls that are competing!! Hope most of all they have FUN!!!

chapel hill/radiation week 2

Made the trip home for the weekend... still not sure that driving 9-10 hours in less than 48 hrs falls under the smartest things I have done! Karlene was super excited that I made it home in time to pick her up from her after school activity and that made it worth while. Didn't see her much other than Friday ~ my little social butterfly had plans of her own for the weekend. Not that I mind... I am just glad that she is being a "normal" kid. It probably bothers me more than it ever would her, but I still feel like the worse mother in the world for taking one child while leaving the other.

Kimber and I went to the NC state fair on Monday afternoon. Probably not one of my brightest ideas either! Don't get me wrong it was a blast! I haven't been since I was in the eighth grade, but my feet haven't walked that far in a LONG time! Of course, it seems even longer when you have a certain four year old princess on your back!

When I came out of treatment on Tuesday there was a surprise waiting for me in the waiting room... Mr. John Cullop! He and Ms. Cathy were in town visiting their daughter, Hannah, whose baby was a patient at UNC children's hospital. It was very nice to get to visit with them and to see Hannah. Great news ~ the baby was allowed to go home that afternoon!

Wednesday started out with a bang! Kimber was up before 7am throwing up :(  I think it was more related to allergies than a stomach bug or virus. By 8:30 she was feeling much better and wanted to go get her usual blueberry bagel for breakfast and then go on to school. We made it to the bagel shop, but we didn't make it to school! After eating absolutely nothing she reported that her stomach didn't feel well again. Thank goodness for Nanny! If she hadn't been with us I'm not sure what I would have done about treatment. Don't think when the nurses at the hospital offered to help with her if I ever had to take her with me included a day when she had been throwing up :)

Today when I went for treatment it ended up being almost a complete repeat of the very first day. My doctor had ordered some slight changes to the beam angles. Even slight changes require quite a bit of leg work to make sure that you get the full benefit of radiation and still minimize the impact on other body parts. It takes even longer for me because I am a bolus every other day patient. So when changes are made they have to line me up with and without the bolus to make sure that the angles work both ways. It's all good as long as it's doing what it's supposed to!

I witnessed something in the parking lot of Sam's Club today that made me realize that we never know when someone is watching us and we never know when we may have the chance to make either a positive or negative impact on others. To the man who was so ugly, rude and just plain out mean to that lady who accidentally tried to take his parking spot (he was backing in to the spot and she didn't realize that's what he was doing because we obviously are supposed to be able to read his mind!) you better be glad I'm not your mama... cause I don't think you were too big for your mama to smack you across the mouth for the nasty filth (he would have made a sailor blush) coming out of your mouth. And by the way the lady apologized, but I bet after the way he acted she wished she hadn't!

Now that I have vented...the hospital was able to make my appointment a little earlier in the morning so we can get an early start on the way home! Lots of celebrating to do this weekend!! So excited to get to spend time with family and friends! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

chapel hill week 1

Radiation treatments are going very good. The visits at the beginning of the week took about 45 minutes but once everything was all set and lined up now the treatments only take about 10 minutes. My treatments are done with me holding my breath... something I'm a little out of practice with! I have done pretty good though, I haven't had to make them stop treatment yet to take a breath. The longest I have to hold my breath is about 45 seconds, which is probably not really that long but it sure feels like a lot longer when your doing it. Every other day I am covered with this thick sticky piece of flexible rubber or bolus. This is mainly due to the fact that I have a mastectomy scar that needs to be able to receive the max amount of radiation, and your skin limits how much you could get if you didn't have the bolus covering it. I have lots of marker drawings all over that the technicians use to make sure that all the beams line up in the same place each day. After the few treatments I've had this week I know that I am in the right place, and that I have the best team of caregivers!!

Kimber is making new friends at preschool, maybe even a new boyfriend!(ssshhh! don't tell her I told you that!) I am so glad that she is fitting in so well. She was a little disappointed the first few days because she couldn't go outside and play on the tire swing. It has rained here all week :(  Today it didn't rain until after I picked her up so they did get to go on the playground for a little while. Our plans to go to the pumpkin patch didn't work out so well though. Maybe one day next week we will be able to do that.

With lots of extra time on our hands we have been out exploring. Sometimes we just ride around to see what we can find. Hoping for a few sunny days next week so we can do some fun outside activities. Thinking we may do the state fair one afternoon, and we would love to visit some of the parks/playgrounds. There are also a few museums that I think would be really fun. After the temper tantrum Kimber had at the mall I'm not sure that I want to show my face back there again. I guess it's a good thing Crabtree Valley isn't all that far from here!

Looking forward to coming home tomorrow!! Not looking forward to the drive but I'm sure glad that I won't have to take the ferry! I have a feeling traveling back and forth is going to wear me out more than the treatments! Can't wait to see family and friends! Why didn't I want to be a pilot??

all packed up

After a very long and trying week, I believe I have Kimber and myself all packed up and ready to go. OK, maybe we're not exactly ready, but we are all packed up! Kimber seems excited about the adventures of going to a new preschool. Her teachers sent us an e-mail welcoming her into their class. It doesn't hurt that they have a tire swing ~ which is her favorite thing to play with on the playground. Honestly I am a little excited about being in a new place, and getting to do some new, fun things with Kimber. Just wish that Karlene was getting to go with us. No, I'm not worried about her ~ I am well aware she can take care of herself.

Radiation will start on Monday. Actually the first day doesn't really count. It is more like a dry run to make sure that everything lines up how the doctors want. Ready to get started so that we will be closer to finishing!

Looks like tomorrow may be the last time that we have to take the ferry. By the time we come home for the weekend we should be driving on the new bridge! I am so thankful for the ferry that has made it possible for me to get to important doctor appointments while the road has been out, but I will be so glad to knock two hours off the trip to Chapel Hill.

Once we get our week started I will update and let everyone know how we are both adjusting to our new schedules.

Hatteras Island Cancer Foundation FUN RUN!!

Please come out and support the HICF!!

Time	Saturday, October 8 · 9:00am - 12:00pm
Location	SUN REALTY IN AVON, NC
Created By	Donna Schultz Barnett
More Info	Registration will begin at 9:15 am. The Fun Run is a 5 k run (3.1 miles) Come and walk, run or just join us for the fun and festivities for a good cause. The tri-villages have been through a lot. Let's show them a good time. We are going to make a donation from the money we raise to the flood victims. PLEASE wear LOTS of pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month! It can be anything from socks to tutus to boas!! A prize will go to the person the most "PINKED OUT"! Music • BBQ by the container or sandwich • Bake Sale • Prizes • Face Painting/Tattoos and much more from local businesses and organizations! The entry fee is $25 for adults and $15 for children 18 and under. Your entry fee will include a Fun Run T-shirt. Children in strollers are free. Follow this link for an entry form: http://hatterasdesigns.net/HICF/2011FunRunRegistrationForm.pdf

ZUMBAthon

Time	Friday, October 7 · 5:00pm - 7:00pm
Location	Fessenden Center 46803 Hwy. 12
Created By	Mariah James
More Info	I am planning a Zumbathon to celebrate three members of the Hatteras Island community who are battling cancer and to raise funds for their incurred expenses. Clyde Stowe is battling Leukemia, Angie Ballance is battling breast cancer, and Sheila Charrette is battling breast cancer. To show support of these three awesome members of our community, I invite everyone to come out and have a great time with two hours of ZUMBA Fitness. There is no registration fee, but donations will be greatly appreciated, as all proceeds will benefit Clyde, Angie, and Sheila. ZUMBA is a latin-inspired, easy to follow dance fitness class. You don't need to be a dancer to do ZUMBA. Just come out, have fun, participate/watch, and support these three islanders. There will be a raffle and bake sale as well. If you would like to bake something for the bake sale or donate an item for the raffle, please contact Mariah James at 216-8204.

radiation is about to begin

Granny update: She is still in the ICU at Norfolk General and will probably have to be there for about a week. Please continue to keep her and my family in your prayers. The doctors are waiting on test results. I will update when I know more.

So per my last post you know that radiation treatments are going to be done in Chapel Hill. Let me tell you a little about why...

This was not a decision that I came by lightly... let's face it ~ it's my life we are talking about here! Even though this was an important decision as for as my treatment goes, it was a difficult one. From a medical standpoint ~ my case is a little complicated because the cancer was close to the chest wall and I had positive lymph nodes. The area that needs to be radiated is larger and the major organs are a concern. Knowing all this my doctors in Chapel Hill felt that my case should be treated there. I felt that if my treatments could be done in Nags Head (which is a great facility with really good doctors), without compromising my care why should I have to do them at UNC. What I can tell you is that the final decision was really a personal preference and had nothing to do with either facilities ability to treat me and do it well. You see, our facility in Nags Head is undergoing some changes. The doctor that has been there is retiring, and they are in transition for the new doctor to start. If treatments were done there I would start the first two weeks with one doctor, the next two weeks with yet another doctor, and then finish out with a third doctor. Too many doctors for me! When you are dealing with something that is this important I just wasn't comfortable having my case passed off that many times. All the doctors are very good and if I would have been seeing only one of them my decision may have been different. So the end result was that my treatments will be done in Chapel Hill, and they will last about 6-7 weeks. Radiation treatments are done daily Monday through Friday, and it takes about 10-15 minutes.

Making this decision from a personal point was what made it so hard. In order to have treatments at UNC I would have to live out there during the week for the duration of treatments. Which would mean that I would only see my family on the weekends. What I had to do was put this is perspective ~ really what is two months away from my family if it means that I will have the rest of my life to be with them!

After the decision was made things moved rather quickly. Friday I had a scan done. This is what the doctors use to come up with your plan. Wish I could tell you more about that, but all I really know is that it takes someone with a lengthy education in physics. Not my thing at all! During this visit you get tattooed... actually I got three. This is how the nurses make sure you are lined up in the exact same position for each treatment. Not really the way I wanted to get my first tattoo! Treatments are scheduled to start in exactly one week.

When I made the decision to have treatments at UNC I had complete faith that everything would work out the way it should. Well I haven't been disappointed... we are blessed with a place to stay! After much distress over what to do about the girls, we have decided that Stewart and Karlene will stay here, and Kimber is going with me. No, I'm not sure this is a great idea, but we are going to do our best!! I found a wonderful preschool that is only a mile from the hospital that looks like it is going to work out perfect. I am waiting to hear back from the director, so please pray that it all comes together. The nurses at the hospital told me that they would work with me if I ever needed to bring her with me. (They haven't met her yet!!) I'm still having a hard time having to leave Karlene here, but I know that for her it's best. I am thankful for the Rodanthe/Stumpy Point ferry but I sure hope the road is open soon. That trip every weekend would be much easier (and faster!) if I could drive the entire way!!

Stewart and the girls stayed here while I was out in Chapel Hill this weekend. I got to have a much needed "mom only" time. Haven't been away from all of them ever for that long, and I enjoyed it but was glad to get back to them yesterday. While in Chapel Hill a good friend of mine celebrated her birthday and I got to be a part of her special day... you see it is extra special because she is a breast cancer survivor! She has been such a wonderful friend for me through this journey and I wish her many, many, many more birthdays to celebrate together!! So I had a wonderful weekend alone, I got to spend time with friends, and then I got to come home to the best family ever! Life is good!

quick update...on the road again!

My Granny was taken to Outer Banks Hospital last night and is now on her way to Norfolk General. We are waiting on test results so everyone please pray for her and my family!!

Things for me have been very confusing, but after long conversations on the phone yesterday with multiple doctors I have finally reached a final decision. My radiation treatments will be done in Chapel Hill. I am on my way to catch the ferry now for a scan that is scheduled tomorrow. Sorry this update is short and to the point but things moved really fast after a final decision was made. Will go into more details when I return from this trip to Chapel Hill.

There is lots to still get in order to make this happen. The planned start date for treatment is Oct. 10th, which is only a little over a week away!! Please pray that everything falls into place!

decisions, decisions

I have been trying to write this post for a few days... and I still don't know what to say or where to start!!

Wednesday I had appointments in Chapel Hill, a surgery post-op, labs & appt. with the radiation oncologist. The fluid build-up was a big enough concern that a needle was inserted to try to drain the fluid. I say "try" because even though there is obviously fluid in there, it wouldn't come out! So needless to say it is still there. Whether it is cause for concern ~ well that is any one's guess because one doctor thought it was and the other said it wasn't. I plan on discussing this with my medical oncologist early next week. The other concern was the lack of mobility and pain in my arm, which I learned is called auxiliary web syndrome. Motrin and heat compresses, along with vigorous stretching (which is painful!!) are hopefully going to get the mobility to a level that radiation can be started. My lab appointment was to get blood work and also to flush my port which at that point had not been used or accessed for about six weeks. The port should be flushed about every 4-6 weeks, and with it not being used it could be difficult to draw blood from it. Everything was great! Blood came out with no problems at all! Now for the news from the radiation oncologist...

First let me note that this is the first visit that I have had with this doctor, and the one appointment that I had with the other radiation oncologist was six months ago when I was first diagnosed. Six months ago when I first met with the doctor our discussion on treatment included having radiation done in Nags Head. Well, after two surgeries and a positive lymph node... things change. So this is where making decisions start. The new radiation oncologist strongly feels that my radiation treatments should be done in Chapel Hill. Why? The main reason has to do with having to do radiation on my left side, which is the side with my heart. Another concern is that I am in my early 30's and usually these are treatments that are being done on patients in their late 40's and older. She also feels that the equipment is more state of the art, and that the "team" that would be responsible for my care would have access to technology that would allow them to minimize damage that could occur from treatment. I completely agree with all the points that the doctor brought to my attention, and totally understand the concern with transferring my treatments out to a different location. Let me just throw in here that treatments are daily, Monday through Friday, and they would be for about six weeks. So to sum all of that up in a short little bit... I either live in Chapel Hill for about two months and get the "best" care possible or I get treatments in Nags Head and compromise my care. Doesn't really sound like much a decision, but more that there are lots of decisions to make in order to make this possible!

Compromising treatment at this point after all I have been through is not an option. I want to be around for lots and lots of years to come. When you look at the big picture, what is six weeks compared to the rest of my life?!?! As the doctor pointed out ~ I don't receive a gold certificate when I'm finished that says this is all done and I will never have a recurrence or complications from the treatments that I have had, but she can say that if I receive the best care, that the chances of recurrence or complications are drastically less.I have an appointment in a few days with my medical oncologist, who I think will be helpful and insightful as to the decisions that I am faced with.

Worrying about things is natural. However I know that God is in control, and He has brought me through this journey and I know He will see me through to the end. So many times in the last six months I have seen things fall into place when I didn't know how in the world they would. So I have to trust that He will make a way for what is best to happen.

one step forward ~ two steps back

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.     Kurt Vonnegut 
I'm quite sure that it is normal for frustration and exhaustion to both be part of the healing process. At least that is what I'm going to keep telling myself! The physical and mental exhaustion I can handle because over time I know it will get better. It is still tiresome to get out and do much of anything, but it has only been a little over two weeks. The frustration ~ now that's a different story. You see, before this surgery I spent weeks painfully trying to recover the use of my left arm. The previous surgery caused scar tissue and nerve/muscle damage to the point that it was painful to straighten my arm or lift it hardly at all. I was successful! Throughout the process of recovering the use of that arm I worried what the outcome would be after the next surgery. Well, now I know! The mobility is limited even more than it was before the agonizing weeks of torture. I have already started on the exercises,heat,cold, and massage that will hopefully allow me to once again regain complete mobility of my arm. But it is PAINFUL! Of course, it doesn't help that when you get up in the morning you feel as though all you accomplished the day before has been completely wiped out. Always trying to be positive, I know that I could be in worse shape, and I am way to stubborn to let a little pain get in the way of being able to do the things that I love to do! So for a few weeks (possibly months) I will be slowly making progress and smiling through the pain :)

A possible second step back is that fluid has started to build-up around the incision. From everything that I have read, it seems that unless it gets to be uncomfortable the doctors prefer to give the body a chance to reabsorb the fluid because inserting a needle to drain it could cause infection. I am not certain what affect if any this has on being able to start radiation treatments, but will find out at my visit this week.

So not everything is going in the wrong direction ~ I am spending this lazy Sunday afternoon watching my favorite team play football, while I referee the constant spat of siblings. Can't imagine being anywhere else! Even though to most it would not be much to brag about ~ there is hair growth! Not even sure there is a measurement for this small an amount but it is more than it was!

Appointments this week with the surgeon for a second follow-up and with the radiation oncologist to find out how long I will have to have radiation treatments. So here's to hoping that the ferries are able to run! The price we pay to live on paradise!

Speaking of living on paradise... I would like to say a huge "THANK YOU" to Conner's Supermarket!! Every time that I have been in to shop since my surgery the employees have bagged my groceries, put them in the cart, and taken them to my car! We are truly blessed to have a business with such hometown kindness!! Thank you again to the Conner's family!!

lots to celebrate

Great news about my pathology, Karlene turned 10, Stewart and I celebrated an anniversary, and my post-op appointment went well!! The last week has been really good for the Ballance family :)

Since surgery all has been pretty good. I am slowly getting the feeling back in parts of my arm and chest (some may be permanently numb). Arm movement is still limited but I think over the next few weeks it should start to improve as I will be able to start doing some physical therapy exercises. I am trying to obey all the rules I was given but when you feel good it is hard to make yourself take it easy and slow. I'm really not the sit on the couch and take it easy kind of person! The drain tubes were bothersome, so I am very glad that the doctor took them out at my post-op appointment. I had prepared myself for this to be an uncomfortable procedure and it didn't seem as bad as I had planned. Always better to think the worst and then have it be better than you thought. The doctor does want to see me again next week. Fluid build-up is the main concern at this point. With the drains removed I hope my body is able to start reabsorbing the fluid so we won't have any problems. Radiation will be the next step but it will probably be a few weeks still, as all has to be healed well and I have to have most of my mobility back.

Stewart and I spent a good portion of our anniversary in the doctors office... waiting!! By far the longest wait I have ever had at a visit (over 1 1/2 hours), but at least we were together :)  The journey that life has taken us on over the last six months proves that things aren't always easy, but nobody ever said life would be easy!

"The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life."
Sir Hugh Walpole

We had our "divine accident" over 15 years ago, and have now been married for 13 years! Happy Anniversary Stewart! I love you!!

BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR!

WooHoo!!! My oncologist just called and all the pathology came back clear! Doesn't mean the course of action will change for the coming 6-8 months, but it is AWESOME news! Praise the Lord for answering our prayers! I am officially a breast cancer SURVIVOR!

what a wild ride

So I had surgery almost a week ago. What a wild ride this past week has been...

Stewart and my dad made it to Graham, NC the day before my surgery. Thanks to everyone who prayed for their safe and uneventful journey, as it was just that! The same day mom and I took the girls to stay with my nanny, who was staying with a sister in Lillington, NC.

Up and at it bright and early the next morning. Surgery scheduled for 8am, which meant arrival at the hospital had to be 6:15am. As mentioned in my last post ~ surgery is scary. This particular morning I was fairly calm. Not looking forward to it, but not as nervous as I would usually be. Prep for surgery went well. No they wouldn't use the port, so they placed an IV, which was less traumatic as usual. After I mentioned the nausea that I woke up with after my last surgery, they gave me a patch to wear behind my ear. May I just say that I HIGHLY recommend anyone having surgery to request this! Doctor said the surgery itself went well. Pathology will be back by my post-op appointment. Praying for good news!

Surgery required an overnight stay at the hospital, and we all know that means no sleep! Nurses came in every 3-4 hours. Even though they kept me up, I had the BEST nurses! Surprisingly the pain was not too bad. The doctor on call wouldn't give orders to take me off fluids so the nurses and I went against his orders (considering I almost overflowed the plastic thing they measure output with, we didn't think I needed any extra fluid!) Besides, what does the doctor know?? Come morning I was ready to get out and go home! Well not home, but my home away from home. Discharge never goes as quickly as you would like. After a visit with the doctor assistant and the physical therapist I was finally released.

So it's Friday and I've been released and I'm at my home away from home. All is going well, I feel great and not hurting too bad. Trying not to overdue it. After this surgery everything is numb, probably because of all the nerves that are disturbed during the surgery. I'm thinking now that this is why pain isn't as bad as you would think considering what was done. Friday evening comes and the drains that have been put in have to be emptied for the first time. This will have to be done twice daily until I return to see the doctor. Stewart is an excellent nurse. He handled the job perfectly! I'm sure glad he meant his vows when he said them because I have really put them to the test! Can't imagine what it is like to have to nurse your wife through the same illness that took your Mom's life.

Saturday morning I woke up feeling good. My mom and dad decided they were going to head back home, so I got up and was going to sit at the table and have a cup of coffee with them before they left. Let's just say I never got to have that cup of coffee. Once I was up and moving I was hurting where the tubes to my drains were inserted. I thought if I could just get the coffee and sit down it would get better, but instead I got really dizzy. What happened next... I passed out!! Woke up with everyone all around me, and worst of all I fell on my left side (surgery side and the side the tubes are inserted). As if that wasn't bad enough I lost control of my bladder too! What a way to start the day. Rest of the day was spent in bed. After inspecting the incision and the tubes it didn't seem that I had done any damage. Although later that evening I did have a little blood and we think it came from where the tubes were inserted.

From that day til now the surgery part of all of this has been better than I thought. Yeah, it's a little different not having a part of your body. The incision is pretty big and the tubes are probably the worst part. None of that really matters when you realize that this surgery means that all the cancer is GONE! Sure I still have to do radiation, and there will be one last surgery  in about 8 months, but all of that is just extra measures so there is no recurrence.

With all going better than I expected I decided I was ready to make the trip home. So Monday morning we got up and headed to Stumpy Point to catch the ferry that now provides our route on island. We arrive just as they are telling everyone that the landing is broke and won't be usable for 24-48 hours. REALLY!! After 4+ hours in the car I just want to be HOME! Thankfully my sister lives in Manteo, so we headed to her house to spend the night and figure out what to do the next morning. After hearing that a ferry would run from Swanquarter to Ocracoke at 7 the following morning we decided to get up and be there in time to catch this ferry. Left my sister's about 5am on Tuesday morning and got to the Swanquarter ferry at 6:30. Just when we were pulling into the line, we get a call informing us that Stumpy Point had just started running again. REALLY!!?? So glad they worked hard to get it fixed, but wish I had known it would be up and going so quickly. After a two hour and forty five minute ferry ride to Ocracoke, and then an hour and a half wait for the ferry to run from Ocracoke to Hatteras we finally made it home. Yeah it was a wild ride, but we made it and that's all that really matters! I must say I was a little disappointed with the "priority lines". In a situation such as we were in, one would think that "priority" would have less to do with who you are or what you do for a living, and a little more about common decency and courtesy to others. Of course, that's just my opinion, and that doesn't count for much ~ just makes me feel better to say it!

Rested a lot yesterday, and I'm so glad to be HOME!! Looks like it was just in time for school to start tomorrow. I will be heading back to Chapel Hill for an appointment on Monday. Hopefully drains will be removed and we will get good pathology reports back! Now to focus on an upcoming birthday and anniversary! Karlene will be 10 years old on Saturday and I will have been married to my wonderful nurse of a husband for 13 years on Monday! Happy Birthday Karlene! and Happy Anniversary Stewart! I am blessed with the best family! They have been so helpful and I thank God for them everyday!

post hurricane irene update

I decided to go... which was probably a good decision. My mom, the girls and I are staying with family in Graham, NC. I have talked to Stewart and all in Frisco was pretty good. Other parts of our island didn't fair so well.

Surgery is scheduled for Thursday morning. Not sure yet if Stewart and my dad will be able to get off the island to be here or not. Praying they get here, but feel like even if they can't that surgery doesn't need to be put off, so I'll put on my big girl pants and do what I have to do. We have other family located in other parts of NC that will be on stand-by to come help my mom with the girls if needed. Most of you know that surgery for me is pretty scary... don't know why. I have never had a bad experience, and this is certainly not my first go round. I guess it would be the same as someone having a fear of the dentist, the dark, or whatever their own personal nightmare may be. Completely unexplained but still a fear all the same. This is not the plan that was set out for this week but sometimes we just have to go with the flow and try not to worry about things that can't be changed.

I have limited internet access so I will update as much as possible after surgery. Praying for my island home, and the people who have been devastated by Hurricane Irene. Wish I was there to help!

do i stay or do i go now???

Normally this wouldn't even be a question. However with surgery looming only a week away, one has to question the possibility of whether I may be able to get there if I stay. The road is known to wash out (even when there isn't winds over 100mph, very high seas and sound surge), and of course one has to be concerned that the bridge may not be able to handle the beating from Irene. As if my stress level isn't high enough with all going on in my life right now without the threat of a category 3 or 4 or possibly 5 hurricane!!

Other than my stress level, I am doing well. My tongue has healed and isn't bothering me at all. I do still have tingling and numbness in my fingers and toes but I think this will get better over time. Muscles have been a little achy, but overall side effects seem to be disappearing. Thank goodness!! Sleep ~ well that's another story... going to sleep isn't a problem, it's staying asleep! The upcoming surgery is probably the cause and hopefully after that is behind me I will be able to sleep like a baby!

Everyone please stay safe ~ whether you decide to stay or go!

THANK YOU!!!

I am completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from this wonderful community we live in!

The Conner's family is the BEST! They all worked so hard in the heat to pull off this benefit. We as an island are truly blessed to have such a wonderful, caring family among us. Thank you to the Conner's family for all you have done for me and my family!

Thank you to my family and friends for the support and help today! I have the most awesome family and friends a girl could have! I love each and everyone of you!

To everyone in the community that came out and supported me ~ THANK YOU! I am proud to call Hatteras Island my home, and blessed to be able to raise my children here!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE!! I FEEL SO LOVED AND BLESSED!

lingering side effects

So I have been done with chemo for a week, and the side effects of the last treatment are still lingering on. Hopefully by the end of week two I will be able to notice a huge difference. Hands and feet and still numb and my tongue is bothering me from the pre-med that burned. The last week I have been easily exhausted which should start improving as my blood counts come back up. I have less than two weeks before my surgery, and I hope to make the best out of them!

Starting that off today ~ Karlene and I are going school shoppping!! Not very often that she and I get a day that it's just the two of us. Kimber will be hanging out with daddy.

Sunday is Crazy Johnny's BBQ fundraiser!! Everyone please come out and have some awesome food!! In Buxton beside the Buxton Fire Department, from 11- until. Thank you to all who have worked to make this happen, handing out flyers, and for getting the word out! Hope to see you there!

CRAZY JOHNNY'S BBQ BENEFIT

Benefit for Angie Willis Ballance in her fight against Breast Cancer

Come on out and get some Crazy Johnny's BBQ!!

Sunday August 21st

starting at 11am until

look for us in between Napa and Buxton Fire Department!



chemo has come to an end

Wish I could say that my last treatment was a piece of cake and all went better than expected, BUT not really. The doctors office couldn't get the chemo medicine so I had to go over to the hospital for my treatment. Two of the nurses from the doctors office walked me down to the AMU at the hospital and explained the trouble I had with the pre-meds the last time that my treatment was done there, and I reminded the nurse again when she started dispensing them. First three pre-meds went fine but the last one (which was supposed to be the one that couldn't possibly cause any reactions!!) burned me up yet again. So far it doesn't seem to have burned my tongue like it did last time ~ fingers crossed! On a positive note, at least we now know the exact drug that caused the reaction so I can be certain to avoid any future problems. During my treatment I slept quite a bit, which I usually never do. When my treatment was finished my post blood pressure reading was low, which it never is, and I was clammy, weak, and my pupils were constricted. Nurse didn't seem to be worried so I headed home. Symptoms stayed the same for about 30-45 minutes and then I slowly got back to normal. All I can say is... Thank goodness I don't have to do that again!!

Praise report: We have been keeping an eye on my hemoglobin so that when it got too low I could get the red blood cell booster shot. Two weeks ago it was 10.3, one week ago 10.1, so we thought that yesterday it would be low enough to go ahead and get the shot. Now something to remind you, is that I really didn't want this shot! It is quite painful, and even though the benefits far outweigh the side effects I was really praying that my counts would come back up on there own so this shot could be avoided. When my blood work came back yesterday my hemoglobin was 11.2!! Still a little lower than normal but way up from the last few weeks! God does hear and answer our prayers! No RBC booster shot for me!

Speaking of shots I still have to go today and get my WBC (white blood cell) booster shot, but today is the last one!!

There are several reasons why I started this blog but two are most important. 1. To be able to keep everyone updated with my journey, and 2. To give someone who may have to follow in my footsteps something that they could read that may inspire them, inform them, and show them that they are not alone. What I realized is that as forth coming with information as I am, there is one thing that I have talked about but not really shown...
I'm about to show you what only a few select people up to this point have seen...

                                                my bald head!!

I'm actually kind of proud of it! It is a symbol to me that the inside is what matters and that our outward appearance doesn't make us who we are! BALD IS BEAUTIFUL! Thank you Aunt Sheila for taking the pictures for me!!

I have less then three weeks before surgery, and I'm a little nervous. You would think that after having a hysterectomy in 2008, and three surgeries related to the breast cancer already this year, that it would be a walk in the park by now... not so much! Please keep me in your prayers!

big days coming up

A few big dates are coming up. Thursday is my LAST chemo treatment!! WooHoo! Had appointment with my surgeon yesterday in Chapel Hill, and everything for surgery is all set. I get a three week break after my last chemo treatment, and surgery is scheduled for Thursday, Sept 1st. Looks like whether I'm ready or not it's just about that time! Now to decide what to do with my three free weeks!?!?

gotta love those insurance companies

The doctor gave me orders for blood work to be done today if I was feeling real tired and achy this week. The hope was that my blood counts would be low enough that I could get the booster shot which would help me to feel better. Last week hemoglobin was 10.3 (normal range for female my age is 12-16). For insurance to pay for the booster shot it has to be under 10.0, and guess what mine was today... 10.1! Seriously! Somebody sitting at a desk with no medical training gets to tell me when I can get a shot that will help me feel better... ugh!! Gotta love those insurance companies!!

On a brighter note, it looks like the storm will miss us! Some good waves would be nice. Heading to Chapel Hill on Monday to see the surgeon and schedule surgery. Thursday will be my last chemo treatment!! Got a busy week ahead of me.

keeping it real

Life doesn't stop just because you are diagnosed with cancer! Kimber, my adorable four year old, is ALWAYS into something. So yesterday I left work a little early because I wasn't feeling good. Before heading home I went and picked the girls up. On the way home I explained that they were going to have to be "big" helpers, which meant behaving themselves and not making a mess in the house. The girls decide to play with their Webkinz on the laptop, and I get settled on the couch with the heating pad. Have you ever heard a noise in the back of your head that doesn't immediately give you that sense that you need to be concerned about what is causing the noise? Well, after a little while I hear the toilet flush in the bathroom. This should cause extreme excitement because normally I am fussing that NO one seems to know how to flush the toilet. But then I hear it again ~ and this is when I start to think that I might should be concerned! and when I figure out that Kimber is missing!! Before I could yell "Kimber, what are you doing?", I hear the toilet flush a third time... followed by the sound of water pouring all over the bathroom floor! REST? What's that! Karlene grabbed towels while I starting sopping up water, and we got it all cleaned up. Thought about just sitting in the middle of it and crying, but what good would that have done??

Feeling much better today! Numbness is a little worse, feet and hands, and a little tired. Almost had to take a trip to the medical center... not for me!! Karlene fell off a bike and her arm hit the concrete. Decided to wait and see what it looks like in the morning. A little swollen, but she's been keeping ice on it. She is complaining less and less. Hopefully that's a good sign! She broke the same arm six years ago :(  So here in the Ballance house we are keeping it real! No rest for the weary!

not my happy face :(

If you know me, you know that the sad face is only on the inside... On the outside I'm almost always SMILING :) So why the inner sad face? Well let me start by saying that today's treatment went really good! The benadryl pre-med did make me a little woozy, but not anything too crazy. Now back to the sad face ~ 1. two of my counts (numbers from my complete blood count or CBC) were low today. One of the numbers was low enough that I really need a shot to help boost it, but the second number lacked .3 from being low enough to meet insurance requirements to get the shot ( the same shot would boost both levels ~ a red blood cell booster). So over the next week I may exhibit more signs of anemia. I say more signs because looking at the symptoms I realize that over the last few weeks I have had some of the signs and didn't even know that's what they were coming from. Leg cramps and weakness, being more tired/fatigued, and trouble concentrating. At least when I make a mistake now I can blame it on being anemic!! Good news is the counts that were low did not have an impact on getting treatment today. Sometimes if certain numbers are too low treatment would have to be postponed. 2. As if all the above was not enough ~ my next and final treatment will most likely have to be done at the hospital. Treatment at hospital = really, really NOT happy! If you have been following my blog you will remember the entry from the one and only other time treatment was done at the hospital. To say the least it didn't go well! To refresh everyone's memory (as far as I'm concerned it is still too recent and mine doesn't need refreshing!), all my pre-meds were pushed to fast. Pushing the meds means they administer them directly into the IV with a syringe instead of letting them drip in from the bag. Having them drip in takes longer but doesn't cause the adverse side effects that you can get if they are pushed too fast. One of the meds made me feel really dizzy and lightheaded, like the room was spinning out of control. Thank goodness, this only lasted about 20 or 30 minutes. The worse part was that one of the meds burned my entire insides, from my tongue all the way down. Most of it went away within a day or two, but my tongue took about three and a half weeks to heal. Anything that interferes with my ability to eat is so not good! The reason the treatment will have to be done at the hospital is because there is a shortage on the chemo meds that I am currently getting. The hospital can get it but the private practices are having a harder time. 

So by all medical reasoning my red blood cell counts that are low will not come back up enough on their own to avoid the shot, and my doctors office doesn't have much hope of being able to get the chemo drugs they would need to be able to do my treatment with them, which is what I would very much like to happen ~ however I believe in MIRACLES! I know without any doubt that God has been beside me through this whole journey, and I believe that everything I have been through is for His divine purpose. So over the next week I will pray that I will defy all odds and my red blood cell counts will come up and I won't have to get the shot (which by the way hurts worse than the shot that I currently get after treatments!), and for the next two weeks I will pray that somehow the drug that seems to be unattainable will suddenly just be available so that all will be wonderful in my little world. I also must say that I do believe that sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way that we would sometimes like for them to be, so if things don't work out the way I would like, I am aware that they may be working out the way He wants them too! You never know when or where you are going to meet someone whose life you may impact in a way that could forever change them and you. So come what may I will take the next few weeks as they come and make the most of them. I only have one more chemo treatment baby!!!

I talked to Karlene today, and the girls are having an absolute BLAST!! Which I had no doubt that they would. I am so glad they are getting to have some time away from all this cancer stuff. As a Mom I have tried so hard to shield them from as much of this as possible, but the fact is cancer has completely over taken every aspect of my life. Which means that they are affected in so many ways no matter how hard I try for them to not be. I can only hope that they will learn some very good life lessons because of what I have been through and how they see me and my entire family dealing with all of it.

By the way I couldn't handle all of this as well as I do if I didn't have the support system that I do. I can't thank my Mom and Dad enough for all they do. There are no words that can tell them how much they are appreciated! I love you both so much! My grandmother Lucy, aka Nanny, has also been a really big help watching Kimber and giving me rides. My whole family has just rallied around me and really made this journey so much easier. They all have helped in their own ways and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Love each of you! I would like to thank all my friends (even if I don't know you I consider you a friend!) who keep up with me via my blog or facebook. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers! I love reading all the comments and seeing that people are supporting me. I really am thankful for my church family, they are my prayer warriors! It is comforting to know that they are constantly lifting me up in prayer. A big, big thank you to my work family... I believe with all my heart that God has put all of us together. You guys ROCK! Love ya!! Stewart, Karlene, and Kimber ~ I love the three of you so much! Thank you for keeping me grounded, and listening to all my gripes, and for loving me! (even with no hair!) I hope that no one has been forgotten ~ you know that whole concentration thing may make me miss something important! LOL! I am truly blessed and loved! Thank you again to everyone! You have each been a special part of this journey with me!

check paddle boarding off the bucket list

First time on a paddle board! Well actually my first time on any board ~ never been surfing or anything. Had so much fun! What a great way to learn ~ Office Paddle Party! We had kayaks and paddle boards and we all took turns being out on the water. I am so lucky to work with such wonderful people! Yeah we are all a little crazy but hey, at least we have fun!

I've had a pretty great week. Decided on just relaxing the entire weekend ~ it was just to hot to do much else! Work, paddle party, and an awesome massage sounds like a good start to the week.

Karlene and Kimber have hit the road with Mom Mom and Paw Paw! Watch out Great Wolf Lodge ~ here they come! So glad they are getting to do something really fun. Thank you, thank you Mom and Dad for taking them on this trip.

And the reason I'm not with the family splashing it up at Great Wolf Lodge ~ Chemo Treatment #7 ~ how fast has the last three and a half months gone by. Pretty fast! Tomorrow is one step closer to being all done with chemo!

Thank God It's Thursday!

I love everything about my job ~ I love what I do, the people I work with, and my four day work week! Not that I'm bragging or anything but sure am glad that I don't have to set the alarm clock to go off in the morning.

I'm a little worried about what next week may be like. Typically after treatment I have muscle/bone aches followed by really great days, and then a few days of exhaustion before treatment again. Well, this week my middle name seems to be FATIGUE! That's not a good sign! These should be the great days!

Not sure if I mentioned that I was having problems with my tongue feeling as though I was constantly scalding it with hot coffee... OUCH! Guess that started about 2-3 weeks ago. For anyone who knows me well, I don't like anything that interferes with my enjoyment of food! It has finally in the last day or two started to heal. Still have to be careful what I eat/drink but hoping it will continue to get better.

Neuropathy ~ you want to talk about something really weird! Not having any feeling in your fingertips or toes. So far it seems to be more the toes which is probably a good thing. My job kind of depends on the use of my hands so we're gonna hope that I keep the feeling in those!

So thanks to my four day work week, the weekend starts tomorrow! No big plans, just gonna be spending time with the family. Maybe the pool or beach, maybe a movie, or maybe I'll just try to catch up on rest so next week won't be as tiresome as I fear! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

little surfer girls

So proud of my little surfer girl!

So proud of my little boogie boarding girl!

Had an awesome weekend with family and friends on the beach! Karlene has been wanting to try surfing all summer, and she did so good! Kimber has become quite the little fish in the water. She was so afraid of the water at the beginning of the summer and now you have to watch her like a hawk. She thinks she is as big as Karlene and the rest of the "big" kids.

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  ~Joyce Maynard

One day soon I hope to be out in the beautiful water with Karlene, doing something I have never done before... catching waves! The saying goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", but it will be fun to try! And probably pretty hilarious for anybody that happens to be within viewing distance. When Kimber is ready to beach the boogie board and hop on a surf board, how amazing will it be for mom and daughters to spend summer days out on the water! And Dad too!!

Today the price is being paid for having too much fun at the beach... but it was so worth it! On the couch with my two best friends, advil and the heating pad! I just keep reminding myself that our friendship will come to an end very soon. Only two more chemo treatments to go! FIGHT LIKE A GIRL! and for Karlene ~ SURF LIKE A GIRL!!





why me?... why NOT me?

It seems that when we are faced with circumstances that disrupt our perfect little worlds, the first thing that we think is... why me? Do we think that because we don't do this "bad" thing or that "bad" thing we are exempt from any misfortune that life may bring our way? Or maybe we think that doing all the "right" things will keep us from harms way. Guess what... It doesn't work that way! Good and bad things happen to wonderful people. Here is what I want to know... why NOT me? Why would any other daughter, wife or mom be deserving of this horrible disease? They wouldn't! And I am no better than any one of them. If I had a genie that would grant my wishes, I would wish that no one ever got the big "C" word again. Of course, I would also have millions of dollars and we would have world peace. Just kidding! But until I find that special bottle to rub, I choose to be empowered by the many miracles that God sends my way every day. Sometimes it's a person meeting a need that only He knew about, or maybe a kind word, or a smile. Whatever it is, He always knows just when I need it. Today, I met an incredible woman ~ a two time breast cancer survivor, who inspired me with the story of her journey and her amazing attitude.

 

~ Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you. ~  author unknown

Tomorrow is chemo treatment #6 ~ hoping the actual treatment goes better this time! So glad that it will be back at the Dr.'s office!

Sheila's BBQ benefit & update on me

Conner's is sponsoring a BBQ benefit to help Sheila Charrette in her fight against breast cancer: Thursday July 14th, 11am-2pm located at the lot between Buxton Fire Department and Napa ~ come enjoy some Crazy Johnny's BBQ!!

Over the last week I have started to have some problems with mouth sores :(
Not very fun considering that I LOVE to eat! The lower eyelashes on one eye have mostly come out. Looking at the calendar today I realized that it's been almost two months since I had to shave my head. Funny how you know that you have no hair but when you go by a mirror it still kind of shocks you. It would probably help if I let the sun shine on my bald head a little every now and then because it is quite white compared to the rest of me! Scared it will get burnt and that wouldn't feel good!

Chemo treatment #6 is coming up on Thursday ~ I will be 3/4 of the way done!! Feels like I finally have an end to this part of my journey in sight. I have an appointment in Chapel Hill August 8th to schedule the next part of this journey... Surgery. Should fall the first week of September. Not great timing for sure ~ the second week of September, Karlene turns 10, and Stewart and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary. Next year = something spectacular as far as celebrating birthday and anniversary :)

independence day!

Happy July 4th!! The Declaration of Independence was more than just a piece of paper ~ it was our countries commitment to certain ideas! This holiday we should remember the courage that it took for the people in 1776 to stand up for what they thought was right. I am proud to be an American! Thank you to those who have served, or are currently serving in our military ~ fighting for our freedom!

Today we hit the beach! Hoping this is a good idea, I have been on the couch for the most part of the last day and a half with the heating pad. I am too hard headed for this to keep me from having a great day with family and friends! Can't wait to put my toes in the sand!

Had an awesome day offshore fishing Saturday! Great time with great people, and we caught a few dolphin. Got to see a huge turtle - leatherback?, and some flying fish. Just being on the water is relaxing and peaceful!

The heating pad has been for the muscle and bone pain. Can't take ibuprofen because the chemo burns the digestive system up, so I'm trying to manage with just heat and hot baths. I have been lucky that I have no mouth sores but eating and drinking most anything causes indigestion, even water! Of course, there are pills for that! Next year at this time we will be celebrating more than America's Independence ~ we will be celebrating that all treatments and surgeries are finished and that I am cancer free!! So today we have FUN and RELAX, tomorrow we continue to FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!!

5 down, 3 to go

Fifth chemo treatment and shot down!! Woo Hoo!!

Chemo treatment yesterday had me a little shook up ~ new medicines, new place, new nurses. One of the pre-meds burned my entire insides, still not really sure what that was all about. Another pre-med made me feel woozy and light headed. Both incidents made me a little shaky. Treatments took about 4 1/2 hours, way too long for me to sit still!

Today was shot day. Something I have come to really dread, but today it seemed so easy. Not sure if it depends on the nurse giving the shot or if you just get used to it along the way. Either way, maybe now I won't dread it quite so much anymore.

Big Holiday weekend ahead! Super excited to see some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Heading offshore tomorrow ~ hoping for some good dolphin fishing! I'm sure the pool and the beach will be on the to do list as well. Hope everyone has a great July 4th! No work until Tuesday!!!