not my happy face :(

If you know me, you know that the sad face is only on the inside... On the outside I'm almost always SMILING :) So why the inner sad face? Well let me start by saying that today's treatment went really good! The benadryl pre-med did make me a little woozy, but not anything too crazy. Now back to the sad face ~ 1. two of my counts (numbers from my complete blood count or CBC) were low today. One of the numbers was low enough that I really need a shot to help boost it, but the second number lacked .3 from being low enough to meet insurance requirements to get the shot ( the same shot would boost both levels ~ a red blood cell booster). So over the next week I may exhibit more signs of anemia. I say more signs because looking at the symptoms I realize that over the last few weeks I have had some of the signs and didn't even know that's what they were coming from. Leg cramps and weakness, being more tired/fatigued, and trouble concentrating. At least when I make a mistake now I can blame it on being anemic!! Good news is the counts that were low did not have an impact on getting treatment today. Sometimes if certain numbers are too low treatment would have to be postponed. 2. As if all the above was not enough ~ my next and final treatment will most likely have to be done at the hospital. Treatment at hospital = really, really NOT happy! If you have been following my blog you will remember the entry from the one and only other time treatment was done at the hospital. To say the least it didn't go well! To refresh everyone's memory (as far as I'm concerned it is still too recent and mine doesn't need refreshing!), all my pre-meds were pushed to fast. Pushing the meds means they administer them directly into the IV with a syringe instead of letting them drip in from the bag. Having them drip in takes longer but doesn't cause the adverse side effects that you can get if they are pushed too fast. One of the meds made me feel really dizzy and lightheaded, like the room was spinning out of control. Thank goodness, this only lasted about 20 or 30 minutes. The worse part was that one of the meds burned my entire insides, from my tongue all the way down. Most of it went away within a day or two, but my tongue took about three and a half weeks to heal. Anything that interferes with my ability to eat is so not good! The reason the treatment will have to be done at the hospital is because there is a shortage on the chemo meds that I am currently getting. The hospital can get it but the private practices are having a harder time. 

So by all medical reasoning my red blood cell counts that are low will not come back up enough on their own to avoid the shot, and my doctors office doesn't have much hope of being able to get the chemo drugs they would need to be able to do my treatment with them, which is what I would very much like to happen ~ however I believe in MIRACLES! I know without any doubt that God has been beside me through this whole journey, and I believe that everything I have been through is for His divine purpose. So over the next week I will pray that I will defy all odds and my red blood cell counts will come up and I won't have to get the shot (which by the way hurts worse than the shot that I currently get after treatments!), and for the next two weeks I will pray that somehow the drug that seems to be unattainable will suddenly just be available so that all will be wonderful in my little world. I also must say that I do believe that sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way that we would sometimes like for them to be, so if things don't work out the way I would like, I am aware that they may be working out the way He wants them too! You never know when or where you are going to meet someone whose life you may impact in a way that could forever change them and you. So come what may I will take the next few weeks as they come and make the most of them. I only have one more chemo treatment baby!!!

I talked to Karlene today, and the girls are having an absolute BLAST!! Which I had no doubt that they would. I am so glad they are getting to have some time away from all this cancer stuff. As a Mom I have tried so hard to shield them from as much of this as possible, but the fact is cancer has completely over taken every aspect of my life. Which means that they are affected in so many ways no matter how hard I try for them to not be. I can only hope that they will learn some very good life lessons because of what I have been through and how they see me and my entire family dealing with all of it.

By the way I couldn't handle all of this as well as I do if I didn't have the support system that I do. I can't thank my Mom and Dad enough for all they do. There are no words that can tell them how much they are appreciated! I love you both so much! My grandmother Lucy, aka Nanny, has also been a really big help watching Kimber and giving me rides. My whole family has just rallied around me and really made this journey so much easier. They all have helped in their own ways and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Love each of you! I would like to thank all my friends (even if I don't know you I consider you a friend!) who keep up with me via my blog or facebook. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers! I love reading all the comments and seeing that people are supporting me. I really am thankful for my church family, they are my prayer warriors! It is comforting to know that they are constantly lifting me up in prayer. A big, big thank you to my work family... I believe with all my heart that God has put all of us together. You guys ROCK! Love ya!! Stewart, Karlene, and Kimber ~ I love the three of you so much! Thank you for keeping me grounded, and listening to all my gripes, and for loving me! (even with no hair!) I hope that no one has been forgotten ~ you know that whole concentration thing may make me miss something important! LOL! I am truly blessed and loved! Thank you again to everyone! You have each been a special part of this journey with me!