not my happy face :(

If you know me, you know that the sad face is only on the inside... On the outside I'm almost always SMILING :) So why the inner sad face? Well let me start by saying that today's treatment went really good! The benadryl pre-med did make me a little woozy, but not anything too crazy. Now back to the sad face ~ 1. two of my counts (numbers from my complete blood count or CBC) were low today. One of the numbers was low enough that I really need a shot to help boost it, but the second number lacked .3 from being low enough to meet insurance requirements to get the shot ( the same shot would boost both levels ~ a red blood cell booster). So over the next week I may exhibit more signs of anemia. I say more signs because looking at the symptoms I realize that over the last few weeks I have had some of the signs and didn't even know that's what they were coming from. Leg cramps and weakness, being more tired/fatigued, and trouble concentrating. At least when I make a mistake now I can blame it on being anemic!! Good news is the counts that were low did not have an impact on getting treatment today. Sometimes if certain numbers are too low treatment would have to be postponed. 2. As if all the above was not enough ~ my next and final treatment will most likely have to be done at the hospital. Treatment at hospital = really, really NOT happy! If you have been following my blog you will remember the entry from the one and only other time treatment was done at the hospital. To say the least it didn't go well! To refresh everyone's memory (as far as I'm concerned it is still too recent and mine doesn't need refreshing!), all my pre-meds were pushed to fast. Pushing the meds means they administer them directly into the IV with a syringe instead of letting them drip in from the bag. Having them drip in takes longer but doesn't cause the adverse side effects that you can get if they are pushed too fast. One of the meds made me feel really dizzy and lightheaded, like the room was spinning out of control. Thank goodness, this only lasted about 20 or 30 minutes. The worse part was that one of the meds burned my entire insides, from my tongue all the way down. Most of it went away within a day or two, but my tongue took about three and a half weeks to heal. Anything that interferes with my ability to eat is so not good! The reason the treatment will have to be done at the hospital is because there is a shortage on the chemo meds that I am currently getting. The hospital can get it but the private practices are having a harder time. 

So by all medical reasoning my red blood cell counts that are low will not come back up enough on their own to avoid the shot, and my doctors office doesn't have much hope of being able to get the chemo drugs they would need to be able to do my treatment with them, which is what I would very much like to happen ~ however I believe in MIRACLES! I know without any doubt that God has been beside me through this whole journey, and I believe that everything I have been through is for His divine purpose. So over the next week I will pray that I will defy all odds and my red blood cell counts will come up and I won't have to get the shot (which by the way hurts worse than the shot that I currently get after treatments!), and for the next two weeks I will pray that somehow the drug that seems to be unattainable will suddenly just be available so that all will be wonderful in my little world. I also must say that I do believe that sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way that we would sometimes like for them to be, so if things don't work out the way I would like, I am aware that they may be working out the way He wants them too! You never know when or where you are going to meet someone whose life you may impact in a way that could forever change them and you. So come what may I will take the next few weeks as they come and make the most of them. I only have one more chemo treatment baby!!!

I talked to Karlene today, and the girls are having an absolute BLAST!! Which I had no doubt that they would. I am so glad they are getting to have some time away from all this cancer stuff. As a Mom I have tried so hard to shield them from as much of this as possible, but the fact is cancer has completely over taken every aspect of my life. Which means that they are affected in so many ways no matter how hard I try for them to not be. I can only hope that they will learn some very good life lessons because of what I have been through and how they see me and my entire family dealing with all of it.

By the way I couldn't handle all of this as well as I do if I didn't have the support system that I do. I can't thank my Mom and Dad enough for all they do. There are no words that can tell them how much they are appreciated! I love you both so much! My grandmother Lucy, aka Nanny, has also been a really big help watching Kimber and giving me rides. My whole family has just rallied around me and really made this journey so much easier. They all have helped in their own ways and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. Love each of you! I would like to thank all my friends (even if I don't know you I consider you a friend!) who keep up with me via my blog or facebook. I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers! I love reading all the comments and seeing that people are supporting me. I really am thankful for my church family, they are my prayer warriors! It is comforting to know that they are constantly lifting me up in prayer. A big, big thank you to my work family... I believe with all my heart that God has put all of us together. You guys ROCK! Love ya!! Stewart, Karlene, and Kimber ~ I love the three of you so much! Thank you for keeping me grounded, and listening to all my gripes, and for loving me! (even with no hair!) I hope that no one has been forgotten ~ you know that whole concentration thing may make me miss something important! LOL! I am truly blessed and loved! Thank you again to everyone! You have each been a special part of this journey with me!

check paddle boarding off the bucket list

First time on a paddle board! Well actually my first time on any board ~ never been surfing or anything. Had so much fun! What a great way to learn ~ Office Paddle Party! We had kayaks and paddle boards and we all took turns being out on the water. I am so lucky to work with such wonderful people! Yeah we are all a little crazy but hey, at least we have fun!

I've had a pretty great week. Decided on just relaxing the entire weekend ~ it was just to hot to do much else! Work, paddle party, and an awesome massage sounds like a good start to the week.

Karlene and Kimber have hit the road with Mom Mom and Paw Paw! Watch out Great Wolf Lodge ~ here they come! So glad they are getting to do something really fun. Thank you, thank you Mom and Dad for taking them on this trip.

And the reason I'm not with the family splashing it up at Great Wolf Lodge ~ Chemo Treatment #7 ~ how fast has the last three and a half months gone by. Pretty fast! Tomorrow is one step closer to being all done with chemo!

Thank God It's Thursday!

I love everything about my job ~ I love what I do, the people I work with, and my four day work week! Not that I'm bragging or anything but sure am glad that I don't have to set the alarm clock to go off in the morning.

I'm a little worried about what next week may be like. Typically after treatment I have muscle/bone aches followed by really great days, and then a few days of exhaustion before treatment again. Well, this week my middle name seems to be FATIGUE! That's not a good sign! These should be the great days!

Not sure if I mentioned that I was having problems with my tongue feeling as though I was constantly scalding it with hot coffee... OUCH! Guess that started about 2-3 weeks ago. For anyone who knows me well, I don't like anything that interferes with my enjoyment of food! It has finally in the last day or two started to heal. Still have to be careful what I eat/drink but hoping it will continue to get better.

Neuropathy ~ you want to talk about something really weird! Not having any feeling in your fingertips or toes. So far it seems to be more the toes which is probably a good thing. My job kind of depends on the use of my hands so we're gonna hope that I keep the feeling in those!

So thanks to my four day work week, the weekend starts tomorrow! No big plans, just gonna be spending time with the family. Maybe the pool or beach, maybe a movie, or maybe I'll just try to catch up on rest so next week won't be as tiresome as I fear! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

little surfer girls

So proud of my little surfer girl!

So proud of my little boogie boarding girl!

Had an awesome weekend with family and friends on the beach! Karlene has been wanting to try surfing all summer, and she did so good! Kimber has become quite the little fish in the water. She was so afraid of the water at the beginning of the summer and now you have to watch her like a hawk. She thinks she is as big as Karlene and the rest of the "big" kids.

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  ~Joyce Maynard

One day soon I hope to be out in the beautiful water with Karlene, doing something I have never done before... catching waves! The saying goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", but it will be fun to try! And probably pretty hilarious for anybody that happens to be within viewing distance. When Kimber is ready to beach the boogie board and hop on a surf board, how amazing will it be for mom and daughters to spend summer days out on the water! And Dad too!!

Today the price is being paid for having too much fun at the beach... but it was so worth it! On the couch with my two best friends, advil and the heating pad! I just keep reminding myself that our friendship will come to an end very soon. Only two more chemo treatments to go! FIGHT LIKE A GIRL! and for Karlene ~ SURF LIKE A GIRL!!





why me?... why NOT me?

It seems that when we are faced with circumstances that disrupt our perfect little worlds, the first thing that we think is... why me? Do we think that because we don't do this "bad" thing or that "bad" thing we are exempt from any misfortune that life may bring our way? Or maybe we think that doing all the "right" things will keep us from harms way. Guess what... It doesn't work that way! Good and bad things happen to wonderful people. Here is what I want to know... why NOT me? Why would any other daughter, wife or mom be deserving of this horrible disease? They wouldn't! And I am no better than any one of them. If I had a genie that would grant my wishes, I would wish that no one ever got the big "C" word again. Of course, I would also have millions of dollars and we would have world peace. Just kidding! But until I find that special bottle to rub, I choose to be empowered by the many miracles that God sends my way every day. Sometimes it's a person meeting a need that only He knew about, or maybe a kind word, or a smile. Whatever it is, He always knows just when I need it. Today, I met an incredible woman ~ a two time breast cancer survivor, who inspired me with the story of her journey and her amazing attitude.

 

~ Miracles happen everyday, change your perception of what a miracle is and you'll see them all around you. ~  author unknown

Tomorrow is chemo treatment #6 ~ hoping the actual treatment goes better this time! So glad that it will be back at the Dr.'s office!

Sheila's BBQ benefit & update on me

Conner's is sponsoring a BBQ benefit to help Sheila Charrette in her fight against breast cancer: Thursday July 14th, 11am-2pm located at the lot between Buxton Fire Department and Napa ~ come enjoy some Crazy Johnny's BBQ!!

Over the last week I have started to have some problems with mouth sores :(
Not very fun considering that I LOVE to eat! The lower eyelashes on one eye have mostly come out. Looking at the calendar today I realized that it's been almost two months since I had to shave my head. Funny how you know that you have no hair but when you go by a mirror it still kind of shocks you. It would probably help if I let the sun shine on my bald head a little every now and then because it is quite white compared to the rest of me! Scared it will get burnt and that wouldn't feel good!

Chemo treatment #6 is coming up on Thursday ~ I will be 3/4 of the way done!! Feels like I finally have an end to this part of my journey in sight. I have an appointment in Chapel Hill August 8th to schedule the next part of this journey... Surgery. Should fall the first week of September. Not great timing for sure ~ the second week of September, Karlene turns 10, and Stewart and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary. Next year = something spectacular as far as celebrating birthday and anniversary :)

independence day!

Happy July 4th!! The Declaration of Independence was more than just a piece of paper ~ it was our countries commitment to certain ideas! This holiday we should remember the courage that it took for the people in 1776 to stand up for what they thought was right. I am proud to be an American! Thank you to those who have served, or are currently serving in our military ~ fighting for our freedom!

Today we hit the beach! Hoping this is a good idea, I have been on the couch for the most part of the last day and a half with the heating pad. I am too hard headed for this to keep me from having a great day with family and friends! Can't wait to put my toes in the sand!

Had an awesome day offshore fishing Saturday! Great time with great people, and we caught a few dolphin. Got to see a huge turtle - leatherback?, and some flying fish. Just being on the water is relaxing and peaceful!

The heating pad has been for the muscle and bone pain. Can't take ibuprofen because the chemo burns the digestive system up, so I'm trying to manage with just heat and hot baths. I have been lucky that I have no mouth sores but eating and drinking most anything causes indigestion, even water! Of course, there are pills for that! Next year at this time we will be celebrating more than America's Independence ~ we will be celebrating that all treatments and surgeries are finished and that I am cancer free!! So today we have FUN and RELAX, tomorrow we continue to FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!!

5 down, 3 to go

Fifth chemo treatment and shot down!! Woo Hoo!!

Chemo treatment yesterday had me a little shook up ~ new medicines, new place, new nurses. One of the pre-meds burned my entire insides, still not really sure what that was all about. Another pre-med made me feel woozy and light headed. Both incidents made me a little shaky. Treatments took about 4 1/2 hours, way too long for me to sit still!

Today was shot day. Something I have come to really dread, but today it seemed so easy. Not sure if it depends on the nurse giving the shot or if you just get used to it along the way. Either way, maybe now I won't dread it quite so much anymore.

Big Holiday weekend ahead! Super excited to see some friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Heading offshore tomorrow ~ hoping for some good dolphin fishing! I'm sure the pool and the beach will be on the to do list as well. Hope everyone has a great July 4th! No work until Tuesday!!!