one year, six months, six days later...

My last surgery (last major surgery anyway) fell exactly one year, six months and six days after my diagnosis. I had planned to update one more time before my surgery but appointments got changed around and I didn't see the doctor again until my actual surgery day so there really wasn't anything new to report. I had also planned to update everyone as soon as possible after surgery but that didn't quite go as planned either...

So my surgery was last Thursday (Oct. 4). According to the report the Dr. gave Stewart everything went well and I would need to report back for a post-op appt on Tuesday Oct. 9. As per my instructions I could not take bandages off for 48 hours and then I could take them off only long enough to shower. Saturday morning comes along and I have been dying to take the bandages off not only because I am over ready to have a shower but let's be honest I really just want to see how things look. BIG MISTAKE!! I was NOT prepared for what things would look like! Maybe I should have been but I definitely was not. Now let me explain a few things. First off I had not seen my surgeon since my last post which was the middle of August until she came in 15 minutes before surgery. I was a little surprised that she didn't make an appearance at my pre-op appt the day before just to go over the surgery and what to expect right after and a few weeks after the surgery as far as healing goes and how things would look. At this point I should have requested that she do so but didn't really understand until this exact moment how important it would have been. Lesson learned there and we won't make that mistake again! Secondly, the staff at the surgeon's office (and I say staff because I didn't see the surgeon) made this surgery seem like it was just a swap. Take the expander's out, put the implants in and your ready to go! Which I guess if you are speaking technical and surgical terms that really is all there was to it, but they didn't take the time to assure me that it would still take time to heal and settle. I guess after all I had been through they just assume you know all of this by now, but I was treading into new water and really had no insight as to what I should expect. Looking from where I am now, I would have done some of my own research as far as post-op pictures at various stages (good advice I got yesterday from a wonderful friend!) so I would have been better prepared for my first look and the next look and the look after that! Lastly, and this is something that even for me at this stage is difficult to remember, I have ONLY implants. There is no natural breast tissue. So when you think about someone having implants your natural thought process is to picture someone with Pamela Anderson boobs. Now I knew I wasn't going to come out of all of this with boobs like Pam Anderson but I was hoping for a set that I would at least be able to rock a bathing suit with! This is important to know because usually implants are used to enhance a person's natural breast tissue, and in my case the entire breast is implant. The surgeon has to make a silicone (that's what mine are, but some are saline) flexible sac look like a real breast.

So let's go back in time to Saturday morning... so I am upset (okay maybe that's an understatement!) and not in the best state of mind to try and write my blog entry which was my plan previous to viewing my new breasts. I decide at this point to hold off on an entry until I go back for my post-op and see what the surgeon has to say. So sorry for the delay but I felt at the time that I wouldn't be able to write honestly because I would feel that I needed to make things seem better than they were. That's not what my blog has been about and it's not what I wanted this post to be about. Honesty is the best policy!!

I decided to approach my post-op visit (Tuesday) with this same attitude. Now mind you I didn't just blurt out to the surgeon that I thought she made a better Frankenstein then a breast reconstruction surgeon (even though at the time I sort of thought that). I did relay to her that I had some concerns with the way things looked and wasn't sure what to do about it. The surgeon feeling that I was questioning her surgical ability didn't handle the appt very well at all. And in hindsight I probably didn't handle it any better, but I was upset and my mind was taking me places that had me a little scared. I thought we may have to redo the surgery or worse yet find a new surgeon and then have the surgery redone. So the appt ended with another post-op appt in six weeks, and neither she nor I very happy about the way the appt had gone.

Thank goodness the following day I had a follow-up with my radiation oncologist, aka Dr. Hottie with a bow tie! An appt that should have only taken him 5 minutes turned into an hour long make Angie feel better appt. He and his assistant reviewed the surgery notes with me and explained what everything meant and what the surgeon had done. They also did a physical exam and then at the end sat down with me to discuss my concerns. By the end of this appt I was feeling MUCH better about the cosmetic result of the surgery. There were several things that he brought to my attention... 1. It had been less than a week since the actual surgery 2. Being less than a week post surgery there is still swelling and healing that need to take place 3. Looking at things from my perspective (looking down or in mirror) is different than looking from his perspective (looking straight on) 4. Looking at my right breast with a scar that runs straight across the front and my left breast where the scar runs more the shape of a crescent moon can make the shape and size look different when viewing them at the same time 5. By far the most important thing he said the whole appt... cosmetically things look pretty darn (he used a more explicit word) good! He did not feel like things could be any better cosmetically especially at this stage of healing! What made this statement even better was that he has nothing to gain or lose with his opinion so I felt that he gave me his honest opinion and I value and trust his judgement. He did also tell me that when all is said and done it doesn't really matter what he or the surgeon thinks that ultimately if I'm not happy then nobody should be happy because I'm the one that has to live with it. He informed me that the total healing time would be at least several months and even up to a year.

So that appt was two days ago and I have had time to think, look,heal and look some more (maybe even stare) and I feel that things are really good! I feel like I look good in my clothes, which is a huge improvement from where I was a week ago. I think my "mini" breakdown could have been avoided if I had been given more information previous to the surgery, and I also think that knowing how final this surgery was I was more nervous about it than I have been about anything else I've endured. Now I'm not quite ready to try out a bathing suit, although in about five weeks I will be sporting one in Mexico!! I am super excited about this trip and view this as celebrating that I am a SURVIVOR!! It's hard to believe that the end is finally here! One thing that is a little scary is that I won't ever need a mammogram. I have no breast tissue so technically there is nothing to check. I can still have a recurrence in the same area or a new cancer, but over time the chance of that happening will decrease. Being in tune with my body is my best defense, and having things checked if something doesn't feel right. At this time they don't want to do scheduled MRI's which is a little controversial because there are so many false positives, especially for women who have implant reconstruction. Another scary thing is they still don't know a lot about the long term side effects of the treatments I had on young women. Most women are diagnosed later in life so they have less time they have to worry about long term issues. I will still have appts every three months for a while and I need to have some tests done here and there but for the most part this journey has finally come to an end.

I am not really ready to call the blog quits although I will probably only update once every month or two. I am so thankful for all my prayer warriors who have been keeping up with me and I would ask that you continue to keep me in your prayers! I am blessed beyond what I could ever have imagined and know that I am where I am today only by the grace of God! Thank you for the love, prayers, and support!