Four years...

Wow! Four years ago I was a busy mom of two wonderful girls with a life that was pretty perfect. It all changed this day four years ago. That phone call... well I can still replay the whole thing in my head. I hope one day that it becomes a memory that is harder to recall but for today it is still very vivid. Most of the events that followed the phone call aren't as clear as they used to be. I go back and read my blog entries so the details are clearer again. I don't want to forget my strength and courage. I don't want to forget that God chose me to heal. I don't want to forget that He has a plan for my life.

Celebrating this day is so important for my family. It has become quite the tradition. The girls always bake a special treat. Usually with a candle. The day is a symbol to them that I am here and healthy.

Every year as this day approaches I am excited. The first two years I was still busy with surgeries or treatments. My third year was the first year that I was actually truly done with all cancer related stuff. It was surreal to be able to realize what I had accomplished over those three years. I thought that would always be the feeling associated with this day. However this year that is not the case. Over the last week or two I have been very anxious. I can't really say fearful but anxious. Many times over the last four years there have been moments when nerves get the best of me. Little panic attacks that almost stop time, if only for a few seconds, and usually associated with the possibility of your cancer returning. In my heart I know that God is in control. He has been with me through it all and I put my faith and trust in Him.

Celebrating today with my family should distract me from the anxiety I have felt lately. Keeping me in your prayers would be much appreciated. Also please continue to pray for those who are currently fighting and my fellow survivors. God Bless!

a new direction

This will be a two-part post...

This post is something that has been on my heart for a while. I have a vision and a dream to turn what started out as a blog into something that is so much more. "Keeping Ballance" was established at the beginning of my breast cancer journey so that the people who cared about me could keep up with all the going ons, and also to help bring awareness and information to others who may have to travel the same path. Along the way this blog became much more to me than I ever could have realized. It became my lifeline. A way for me to express in written word things that my mind wouldn't or couldn't allow me to say out loud. It will take time for Keeping Ballance to become what I want it to be. Baby steps. In time I have confidence that it will surpass even my expectations.

The first step in the new adventures of "Keeping Ballance" is to highlight an organization that has been an important part of my cancer journey ~ The Hatteras Island Cancer Foundation (HICF). The HICF is an all volunteer based non-profit organization that was established by Laney Howell, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and wanted to repay the island because of the generosity shown by family and friends while she herself battled this disease. The mission of the HICF is to provide support to Hatteras Island residents and their families who are battling cancer. Since being founded in 2000 the groups goal is to raise funds to help cover medical costs not reimbursed by medical insurance and travel expenses associated with doctor appointments. In addition to the financial support the foundation sponsors monthly support group meetings, and they work closely with other cancer resource organizations that provide other services that may be needed. The HICF has helped many families on the island since it was founded, one of these families being mine. You can find more information on the foundations website ~ http://hicf.org/ or you can find them on facebook.
Throughout the year you will see many fundraisers sponsored by the foundation to help them raise money... Spring Dance, Coins for Cancer, Day at the Docks Chowder Cook-off, and Fun Run... just to name a few! Support this wonderful organization any chance you have! It might be one of your family members that is in need of their help!

Hatteras Island Cancer Foundation 5K Run is Oct. 11.

The Hatteras Island Cancer Foundation will have its 11th annual Fun Run, a 5K race, on Saturday, Oct. 11, at 10 a.m.

Registration begins at 9 a.m. in the parking lot of Sun Realty in Avon. Before, during, and after the race, there will be music, food, and other fun events for all participants and spectators.

The entry fee is $25 for adults and $15 for children 12 and under who preregister. Children in strollers are free. Registration includes a T-shirt. You can preregister at the Cancer Foundation’s secure, online site, http://www.hicf.org/events.html or by downloading a form at http://www.hicf.org/events.html and mailing. Registration on the day of the race is $30 for adults and $20 for children.

The Cancer Foundation urges all participants to wear pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness month. A prize will go to the most “pinked out” participant.

You can run or walk in the 3.1 mile course or just come to support the cause.

If you or someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer contact HICF to apply for financial assistance. The process is easy and confidential.
Thank You HICF for all you have done for me and my family!

Part 2...

Part 2 of my post does not relate to my cancer journey... it relates to something that happened to Karlene, my oldest daughter.

Karlene is a cheerleader, on a competition team, and she is a flyer. For anyone not familiar with cheerleader lingo that means she is the one being tossed in the air or at the top of all those crazy stunts they do. Karlene LOVES what she does, and although I have had some reservations about the safety of this sport (yes it is a sport!), I have always tried to support my children in whatever dreams they decide to pursue. On Tuesday night at cheer practice, her team was practicing a stunt and she was dropped, from a ways in the air and landed on her head. What should have happened at this point is that she should have been taken to the ER. Thus the reason for my post...
As a mother, and in hindsight I feel that I should have known and been more aware of the dangers and risks involved with a hit to the head.
I took Karlene to the doctor the following day, where she was diagnosed with a concussion and put in a neck brace and sent to OBX Hospital for CT scans and X-rays of her head and neck. Thank goodness, she had no breaks. In addition to the concussion she had a sprained neck and back. All things that will heal in time. We were very blessed. This could have turned out so much worse. I am hoping that our experience will help others who may find themselves in a similar situation have the knowledge to make the right decision in seeking medical attention. Crazy I know, but I was very much lacking in knowledge about concussions, their severity, and the importance of correctly treating a person who has or thinks they may have a concussion. The CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) is a great resource and has lots of information about the signs and symptoms, and treatment of a concussion~ http://www.cdc.gov/concussion/ 
Karlene is recovering and through the direction of her doctors she is being staged back into normal activity. I am very thankful for the doctors at Vidant for taking excellent care of my girl.
I have come to the understanding that being a voice is quite possibly my calling... I certainly have never been accused of being quiet! Isn't that right, Dr. Slagle?

well, I am officially tattooed!

Two, actually! And they didn't hurt at all! Well, one hurt just a tiny bit, but pretty much I had no feeling at all! The coloring has been tattooed on both breasts. Sorry to disappoint those who thought I had finally gone and gotten something cool! Although that is on my agenda! (a pink ribbon but the actual design and placement are still undecided)

Last week I had an appointment with Sue Hayden, who works with my plastic surgeon to have the tattoos done. What an experience! We used washers to decide on the size of the aureola and lots of cotton tipped applicators to try out all different shades of colors. I had no idea that there were so many different shades you could choose from. Since my last post one of the nipples has flattened. This is a possibility any time you have the surgery done, so at my appointment we discussed options. One is to have the surgery done again, and the second was to try using different shades to give a 3D effect. We decided to try coloring first to see how it turned out and if that doesn't give me the look I want then I can always go back and have the surgery done again. So far I must say that I am IMPRESSED with the overall outcome of the tattoos! Since my reconstruction surgery I have had a difficult time with the way things looked as far as the scars were concerned, and I can't believe the difference that the tattoos have made. Your eyes don't even see the scars anymore. The side that flattened will need some touch up once everything has had a chance to heal, which takes about 4-6 weeks. Once we do touch-ups I will then be able to decide if I am happy with the way things are or if I want to have the surgery redone.

My three month check-up with Dr. Zagar was also last week and I am so happy to report that all is well! No concerns or problems that they are concerned about! I am so lucky to have the best group of doctors! I am still on a three month check and that will continue for a while still but that is OK!

Over the past six months I have had another issue going on. For those of you who keep up with me on facebook, you are already aware. My right hip was diagnosed with having a labrial tear. That in itself wasn't so bad, as surgery would fix it, but after further evaluations it was also determined that I have hip dysplasia. I won't go into all the details now, but will just say that the "fix" for that is much more involved. After several doctors and different answers, I landed up at Duke. The doctor there wanted to try injections and physical therapy. And although my gut instinct was that it wouldn't help and we were wasting time, I decided to give it a try. The injections weren't as bad as I imagined they would be. Physical therapy started with Kristen Harris from Ocracoke, and after only a few appointments I noticed a huge change. I am super excited to say that less than three months from the injections and starting physical therapy I almost have no pain at all. The numbness and tingling has almost completely disappeared as well! Yay!!! Another answered prayer!

Sorry the posts have been few and far between! Occasionally I sit down to write and end up leaving with a blank page... not because there is nothing to say but more that I can't find the words to express what is in my heart. With that said I will try harder to post more often! This is actually a sort of therapy for me. I often pull up the blog and read past posts. They remind me of the strength that I possess and the blessings that I have been a part of. I can only hope that they touch others as much as they touch me when I read them!

Celebrating My 2 Year Survival Day!!

Birthdays are special... BUT... today's "birth"day is so much more special to me! It is hard to believe that it has been two years. I guess I will say that every year because it is still hard to believe that "I" actually went through it EVER!

So where does two years later find me... Almost completely done with reconstruction. I have never been a modest one so I may give more information then some want to know. Since my last blog post I have had surgery to create nipples. They just make an incision in the skin/tissue and actually just shape it and stitch it to form a nipple. Very cool! The only step I have left is to get the "tattoo" or coloring done. That should be completed in June. My hair in finally long enough to go in a ponytail! It badly needs to be trimmed but I think I am a little afraid to cut it because my curls may disappear. At first I wasn't crazy about the curly new me but as time has gone by I actually like being able to just put some gel in it and go!

My last appointment with my Oncologist was just a few weeks ago and he is very pleased. I think I have talked about this before, but one of the scary things for me is that there is nothing that I can do (other than the surgeries and treatments that we have already done to kill the cancer) to prevent the cancers return. Some people can take medication, but my cancer was not the type that would respond to that. The only thing that I can do is know my body and have anything that I feel is "off" checked out. However... I know that I am a walking miracle! Proof that God is still in the miracle business! I also believe that once He has healed someone that nothing shall prevail against it! I am trying to live my life like it is the blessing I know it is. I try to approach each day like it is a new beginning. Each day is special and should be treated as if you may not have a tomorrow!

I am very thankful for each and every person who has been in my "Fight Like A Girl" support group! The prayers, thoughts, and kind words have given me the strength to throw each punch that I threw at cancer! I could not have made it without my family and friends!

Happy 2 Year Birthday to ME!!!

thankful

This post should have been written on Thanksgiving day but considering my jet lagged state I am doing it now! How ironic that Thanksgiving day this year is the one year anniversary of my last radiation treatment. What better way to celebrate the day of giving thanks!

Somewhere along this journey I decided that there are LOTS of things that I would love to do in my life and thus I created my bucket list... not a published version, not even a list that is written down, but my own mental checklist. The week leading up to Thanksgiving I was able to mark off one of my hearts top desires... I went to Mexico! I love to fly, so that didn't worry me at all, but I do have to say that being in another country did worry me a little. I was so fortunate to be able to go with the most wonderful group of people! The trip itself was a BIG check off the bucket list, but while there I was able to mark off a few others...  snorkeling, zip lining, and jumping off a cliff! I also went horseback riding, tubing, and laying in the sun by the lagoon filled with beautiful fish. I am well aware that I am very lucky! I got to go on a wonderful vacation with my Mom and with some of the people I consider my best friends! Thank you so much to Brud and Anita Bills for allowing me this wonderful opportunity! (Hey Brud, I put your name first!) Thank you to my grandmother, Lucy, who kept my girls so that I could take this trip!

The day before I left I had a follow-up appointment with my plastic surgeon... you may remember that the last appointment didn't go so well! Glad to report this one went much better. I got the all clear as far as the surgery is concerned to be able to start doing normal activities again! Yay!! We also talked briefly about the next step, which would be having nipples done. I have some time to think on this as it would be about three more months before we would actually do the procedure. I feel very sure that I want to have the procedure done I am just not sure about the time frame... I feel that in three months there is still healing and settling that will need to occur, so over the next few weeks/months I will have to make that decision.

The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.
Barbara DeAngelis

I am not who I once was, nor who I will become, but I am working on getting there. Please continue to keep me in your prayers! Thank you for all your continued prayers and support!

one year, six months, six days later...

My last surgery (last major surgery anyway) fell exactly one year, six months and six days after my diagnosis. I had planned to update one more time before my surgery but appointments got changed around and I didn't see the doctor again until my actual surgery day so there really wasn't anything new to report. I had also planned to update everyone as soon as possible after surgery but that didn't quite go as planned either...

So my surgery was last Thursday (Oct. 4). According to the report the Dr. gave Stewart everything went well and I would need to report back for a post-op appt on Tuesday Oct. 9. As per my instructions I could not take bandages off for 48 hours and then I could take them off only long enough to shower. Saturday morning comes along and I have been dying to take the bandages off not only because I am over ready to have a shower but let's be honest I really just want to see how things look. BIG MISTAKE!! I was NOT prepared for what things would look like! Maybe I should have been but I definitely was not. Now let me explain a few things. First off I had not seen my surgeon since my last post which was the middle of August until she came in 15 minutes before surgery. I was a little surprised that she didn't make an appearance at my pre-op appt the day before just to go over the surgery and what to expect right after and a few weeks after the surgery as far as healing goes and how things would look. At this point I should have requested that she do so but didn't really understand until this exact moment how important it would have been. Lesson learned there and we won't make that mistake again! Secondly, the staff at the surgeon's office (and I say staff because I didn't see the surgeon) made this surgery seem like it was just a swap. Take the expander's out, put the implants in and your ready to go! Which I guess if you are speaking technical and surgical terms that really is all there was to it, but they didn't take the time to assure me that it would still take time to heal and settle. I guess after all I had been through they just assume you know all of this by now, but I was treading into new water and really had no insight as to what I should expect. Looking from where I am now, I would have done some of my own research as far as post-op pictures at various stages (good advice I got yesterday from a wonderful friend!) so I would have been better prepared for my first look and the next look and the look after that! Lastly, and this is something that even for me at this stage is difficult to remember, I have ONLY implants. There is no natural breast tissue. So when you think about someone having implants your natural thought process is to picture someone with Pamela Anderson boobs. Now I knew I wasn't going to come out of all of this with boobs like Pam Anderson but I was hoping for a set that I would at least be able to rock a bathing suit with! This is important to know because usually implants are used to enhance a person's natural breast tissue, and in my case the entire breast is implant. The surgeon has to make a silicone (that's what mine are, but some are saline) flexible sac look like a real breast.

So let's go back in time to Saturday morning... so I am upset (okay maybe that's an understatement!) and not in the best state of mind to try and write my blog entry which was my plan previous to viewing my new breasts. I decide at this point to hold off on an entry until I go back for my post-op and see what the surgeon has to say. So sorry for the delay but I felt at the time that I wouldn't be able to write honestly because I would feel that I needed to make things seem better than they were. That's not what my blog has been about and it's not what I wanted this post to be about. Honesty is the best policy!!

I decided to approach my post-op visit (Tuesday) with this same attitude. Now mind you I didn't just blurt out to the surgeon that I thought she made a better Frankenstein then a breast reconstruction surgeon (even though at the time I sort of thought that). I did relay to her that I had some concerns with the way things looked and wasn't sure what to do about it. The surgeon feeling that I was questioning her surgical ability didn't handle the appt very well at all. And in hindsight I probably didn't handle it any better, but I was upset and my mind was taking me places that had me a little scared. I thought we may have to redo the surgery or worse yet find a new surgeon and then have the surgery redone. So the appt ended with another post-op appt in six weeks, and neither she nor I very happy about the way the appt had gone.

Thank goodness the following day I had a follow-up with my radiation oncologist, aka Dr. Hottie with a bow tie! An appt that should have only taken him 5 minutes turned into an hour long make Angie feel better appt. He and his assistant reviewed the surgery notes with me and explained what everything meant and what the surgeon had done. They also did a physical exam and then at the end sat down with me to discuss my concerns. By the end of this appt I was feeling MUCH better about the cosmetic result of the surgery. There were several things that he brought to my attention... 1. It had been less than a week since the actual surgery 2. Being less than a week post surgery there is still swelling and healing that need to take place 3. Looking at things from my perspective (looking down or in mirror) is different than looking from his perspective (looking straight on) 4. Looking at my right breast with a scar that runs straight across the front and my left breast where the scar runs more the shape of a crescent moon can make the shape and size look different when viewing them at the same time 5. By far the most important thing he said the whole appt... cosmetically things look pretty darn (he used a more explicit word) good! He did not feel like things could be any better cosmetically especially at this stage of healing! What made this statement even better was that he has nothing to gain or lose with his opinion so I felt that he gave me his honest opinion and I value and trust his judgement. He did also tell me that when all is said and done it doesn't really matter what he or the surgeon thinks that ultimately if I'm not happy then nobody should be happy because I'm the one that has to live with it. He informed me that the total healing time would be at least several months and even up to a year.

So that appt was two days ago and I have had time to think, look,heal and look some more (maybe even stare) and I feel that things are really good! I feel like I look good in my clothes, which is a huge improvement from where I was a week ago. I think my "mini" breakdown could have been avoided if I had been given more information previous to the surgery, and I also think that knowing how final this surgery was I was more nervous about it than I have been about anything else I've endured. Now I'm not quite ready to try out a bathing suit, although in about five weeks I will be sporting one in Mexico!! I am super excited about this trip and view this as celebrating that I am a SURVIVOR!! It's hard to believe that the end is finally here! One thing that is a little scary is that I won't ever need a mammogram. I have no breast tissue so technically there is nothing to check. I can still have a recurrence in the same area or a new cancer, but over time the chance of that happening will decrease. Being in tune with my body is my best defense, and having things checked if something doesn't feel right. At this time they don't want to do scheduled MRI's which is a little controversial because there are so many false positives, especially for women who have implant reconstruction. Another scary thing is they still don't know a lot about the long term side effects of the treatments I had on young women. Most women are diagnosed later in life so they have less time they have to worry about long term issues. I will still have appts every three months for a while and I need to have some tests done here and there but for the most part this journey has finally come to an end.

I am not really ready to call the blog quits although I will probably only update once every month or two. I am so thankful for all my prayer warriors who have been keeping up with me and I would ask that you continue to keep me in your prayers! I am blessed beyond what I could ever have imagined and know that I am where I am today only by the grace of God! Thank you for the love, prayers, and support!

"fills" are finished

Last Friday morning I was able to do the last "fill" that needed to be done at home. The infection had cleared and was healing over well. On Wednesday I had a follow-up with my Dr. in Chapel Hill. After consulting with her on the size I currently was we decided to add saline for my overfill. With tissue expanders the final fill has to be 10% more than what you want your final size to be. This gives the skin an extra stretch to allow the surgeon room to work. So up to this point everything has gone well and I thought was putting us back on track. However, after we decided to add the extra 10% of saline the Dr. felt like my skin was tighter than she would like for it to be and she didn't feel comfortable scheduling surgery as soon as I had hoped. In the long run I know it will make for a better result but I sure was hoping to have this done by the end of this month. So her decision is to see me back in four weeks and she is hoping to schedule surgery in about six weeks. This would put surgery the end of September. About a month later than I thought, but after everything that I've been through I certainly want to make sure this process goes as well as it possibly can.

One highlight of my trip to Chapel Hill was that Stewart and I got to meet another couple that is getting ready to go through the expansion process. The Dr. asked us if we would mind speaking with them about our experience with doing "fills" at home. Great feeling to know that you can use your experiences to help other people make better decisions.

My girls have only a week left before they go back to school. One starting Middle School and one starting Kindergarten. Wow! How time has flown! Mom is sure not looking forward to this milestone!

Won't be much to update until I go back to see the Dr. on Sept. 12 so I probably won't post again until I get back from that appt. Hope everyone has a great rest of summer break and fingers crossed that all the storms stay out in the ocean!!